During my tenure as a firefighter/paramedic, we were often
called to “check on the wellbeing of a patient.” In other words, “Grandpa
hasn’t answered his phone in over a week. Can you guys swing by and check a
pulse?”
As we’d pull up to the residence, we’d scan for newspapers.
An accumulation on the front lawn was always a bad sign, as was a mailbox
stuffed to overflowing. We’d approach the front door and pause to take a deep
whiff. We could usually diagnose death by its odoriferous calling card (or as
the medical examiners refer to it, the “smell of job security”).
So if a single body is capable of producing such rank odors,
imagine a battlefield strewn with dead soldiers, their bloated bodies exploding
under a scorching summer sun. Those were the conditions under which embalming
first took hold on a grand scale.
But first, a quick retrospective… The Egyptians were
embalming over eight thousand years ago as part of their intricate
mummification process. After removing the brain and internal organs, the body
was immersed in natron, a salt solution that would desiccate the tissues. Once
the body was dried out, which usually took about a month, the wrapping of the
body would commence. Egyptians believed a person’s soul would eventually return
to his body, so it was only proper to preserve it for the soul’s homecoming. Unfortunately,
only the wealthy were afforded proper mummification; the poor, they simply
dunked in salt and hoped for the best.
Fast forward thousands of years to the bloody battlefields
of America’s Civil War. It’s the 1860s and our nation is at war with itself.
Union and Confederate soldiers are busy blasting each other to smithereens,
resulting in a plethora of dead bodies that have no chance of keeping fresh for
the long trip home. Mass graves were the usual solution. Large pits were dug
and the bodies were laid to rest and quickly covered.
But as in so many realms of science, necessity was the
mother of invention. Enter Dr. Thomas Holmes.
Dr. Holmes was a captain in the Army Medical Corps, assigned
to Washington, D.C. He was the first to
practice embalming, which he achieved by
injecting his “patients” with an arsenic solution that retarded the ravages of
decomposition. His talents soon captivated President Lincoln, who was so
enamored of the practice that he assigned Holmes and the Quartermaster Corps to
provide embalming for Union soldiers and officers killed in battle. Holmes went
on to embalm over four thousand before chucking his military career for a lucrative
private practice.
So what is embalming and how is it achieved? Let’s explore.
Today, arsenic has been replaced by a formaldehyde solution (despite being deemed a carcinogen).
Not only does it preserve the body, it also disinfects it. Disinfecting the
corpse makes for safer handling; preserving the corpse makes it more appealing
for those wishing to view the dead. It also provides a larger window in which
to make funeral arrangements, freeing the undertakers from playing
beat-the-clock against putrefaction.
Before the body is embalmed it is laid out, washed, and
shaved, if necessary. The eyes are kept shut using eye caps, small plastic
disks that are slipped under the eyelids. Perforations on the disks hold the
lids in place, since nothing says “creepy” like a staring corpse. The mouth is
closed with tacks that are placed in the upper and lower jaws and held together with wires. A special cream is then applied to the lips to hold them in place
and prevent chapping.
Now the embalming can commence.
The embalming fluid enters the body via an incision into an
artery; usually the carotid in the neck. A small pump holds the solution and is
attached to the artery by a hose. A separate hose is inserted into a large
vein, usually the femoral near the groin, and will empty into a nearby drain.
The fluid (about three gallons) is pumped into the artery and circulated
throughout the body, forcing out the blood and infusing the cells, before
exiting through the hose in the vein. The process is complete when the entire blood
volume is replaced by formaldehyde.
Idiot Alert!! There's a new trend in getting high: soaking cigarettes and joints in formaldehyde, which, when smoked, bring on hallucinations. Unfortunately, this also brings on seizures and coma, so play it safe and DON'T SMOKE ANYTHING!
So now you know what awaits you, should you choose the
traditional route of an open casket funeral. As for me? Harvest my organs, if
possible, and throw me on the barbie. I’ve never been one for fuss and muss.
