Biting Bling

In 2006, after six grueling years of grad school, I finally graduated with my PhD. Having made the transformation from firefighter to ultra-nerd, I was quite impressed with myself. It was short lived.

I had to find a job. But first, I had to pack. I was part of a research team heading to Ukraine to investigate a two thousand-year-old Scythian burial mound. As team bioarchaeologist, I would analyze the skeletons pulled from that ancient mound of earth.

At the time, I had only a vague notion of Ukrainian geography. I knew it was somewhere in Eastern Europe; a region that looms dark and mysterious to most Americans. As for the Scythians – I didn’t even know who the heck they were. As a North American archaeologist, I had limited knowledge of classical archaeology (and between you and me, those classicists are a buncha’ weirdoes).

But after a quick trip to the library and a crash course in Ukrainian history (including the fundamentals of the language: “hello,”  “thank you,” and “where’s the bathroom”), I was ready to go. Twelve hours on a plane, fourteen by train, and a two-hour bus ride through the vast countryside of southern Ukraine brought me to the small farming community of Alexandropol. As I stepped off the crowded bus, I was met by our hostess – the woman on whose farm we would be living. Zena was stout, with massive calloused hands and a demeanor that said she could squash me with her boot. But her smile stopped me in my tracks: Zena sported a stunning gold grill. All her front teeth had been capped in gold. Had I wandered into some Ukrainian hip-hop backwater??

What I didn’t know was that gold teeth are common in Eastern Europe – a sign of status, as well as a means of capping or replacing bad teeth. What I did know and could have explained to Zena, had I possessed the proper language skills, was that for thousands of years, people have been decorating their teeth for a variety of reasons, but mostly out of sheer vanity.

So let’s take a quick hop around the globe and sample some of the ways folks have blinged-out their mouths.

Let’s begin with Africa (as everything does). Dental alteration, sometimes referred to as dental mutilation (you’ll see why), goes back over fifteen hundred years in Africa. Seen in many regions as a rite of passage, the practice included the removal of certain teeth (using a stick or spear, or by knocking them out with a rock) or the chipping, incising, or reshaping of teeth. Chipping the teeth meant knocking off edges to create a desired pattern. Incising the teeth – creating crosshatching or linear patterns – was done using sharp stone blades, like obsidian, or metal tools, when available. Reshaping was achieved by filing the teeth into various shapes, and for anyone who has ever suffered under the sadistic hands of a dentist, you can only imagine the pain involved in these traditions.

Extraction among children was also common. In parts of Uganda, a baby’s canines were pulled, since it was believed infantile fevers originated in these teeth. This caused a rash of problems for the baby, including infection of the gums and malformation of the permanent teeth.

On the Indonesian island of Java, the majority of adults participated in dental mutilation. They would file their incisors and canines, apparently as part of a long-held tradition. Engravings on the Buddhist temple, Borobudur, which date back almost fifteen hundred years, appear to depict a person undergoing the mutilation process. The Javanese would also stain their teeth, which is ironic considering the obsession we Westerners have for blinding-white choppers.

The Maya of Central America also chipped and filed their way to beauty, but they are better known for their elegant inlays. They would drill small holes on the surfaces of their teeth and fill the holes with precious stones, such as turquoise and gold. The artists who created such dental dazzle used a small bow drill to make the hole before carefully placing the stones. The result? Looks that could kill (that’s an inside joke - the Maya are famous for human sacrifice).

Today, we see bling of astronomical proportions. From rappers to swimmers, dental bling comes in a variety of gaudy styles; and, it seems, the more ostentatious, the better. Grills (at least the expensive kinds) are custom made to fit the teeth and are made of gold, rubies, and even diamonds, depending on the look you’re going for.

Just blew your paycheck on a new tattoo?  No problem; you can take the economical route. A quick Google search and I was able to locate gold-plated “Hip Hop Teeth Grillz” for a bargain $14.95! Awesome!!

But why should our teeth be any different from other body parts we adorn? We paint and pierce our way to fabulousness, so it only makes sense that our teeth get in on the action. Humans are mad scientists when it comes to self-expression, and adorning, and even mutilating, our bodies are some of the strange ways we achieve it.

So whenever my memory is jogged by an earthy fragrance, I think back to the wonderful experience that was Ukraine. I remember the stunning fields of sunflowers, the gracious generosity of the people, and Zena’s beautiful golden smile.


Click here if you’d like to check out my article, Life on Horseback, which discusses the Scythian skeletons from Alexandropol (International Journal of Osteoarchaeology).
Warning: May cause drowsiness. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while reading.

  

Before I leave you with a beautiful Ukrainian sunset, here’s a preview for next week:

Gird your loins, fellas, for next week we’ll be discussing them. Join me as we explore that most essential male body part… See you next week!