Hairy Beasts

Over a quiet cup of coffee the other morning, I got to thinking about naked men (happens more often than I care to admit). It occurred to me that, throughout my lifetime, I’ve seen more than my share of naked males. I’m not talking the Internet or magazines, I’m talkin’ live nudes.

I attribute my exposure (or should I say, theirs) to two things: first, my thirteen years as a medic; second, lifestyle.

As a paramedic working some of Orlando’s less reputable neighborhoods, I encountered a lot of trauma. Shootings and stabbings were regular occurrences and the first rule of trauma care: expose the wound. When you’re dealing with multisystem trauma – say a bullet-riddled drug dealer – your first step is to strip 'em down. Paramedics are wizards with scissors, and since the majority of my trauma victims were males, I gazed upon many a naked dude.

As for my lifestyle… an irrational fear of commitment has caused me to skirt marriage most of my life, thus I’ve had the freedom to do a bit of comparison shopping. And what I’ve found is the male body not only comes in a vast array of shapes and sizes, it also presents an infinite range of hairiness. Let’s discuss.

Why do we have body hair in the first place?

If we were reptiles, we’d be decked out in scales, dermal plates, or leathery skin. However, we are mammals, aka, hairy milk producers (December’s Breasts for Hire). Mammals use body hair as a form of insulation. Although we appear to have much less hair than our fellow primates, it’s really an illusion. We have about the same amount as apes (about a million hairs, give or take), only ours are much finer. Research suggests human hair was minimized via natural selection to avoid parasites (fleas, lice, and ticks, to name a few). Sexual selection may have also played a role, with less hairy individuals being preferred over their furry counterparts.

Hair forms within specialized follicles of the epidermis (August’s Skin Deep). As new cells are produced within the follicle, older cells die and are pushed out. The cells harden as they exit and blend with a protein called keratin. The result? A strand of hair. Scientists are still teasing apart the genetics that control hair characteristics, but texture and thickness depends on the size of the follicles and the density of the shaft. Who knew dermatology could sound so sexy?

Men have hair in the strangest of places. I’d never imagined noses and ears could sprout such foliage. Although those hairs serve a purpose - filtering out dust and particles - as men age, changes in hormones promote unwanted hair growth. Recommendation: invest in a nice set of clippers.

And what about chest hair? Some women love it and like nothing more than to run their fingers through a heavy mat. Chest hair, like pubic hair, is part of the testosterone-driven body changes that accompany puberty (September’s A Natural History of the Penis). Perhaps a hairy chest merely gives the female something to hang on to. Kinda’ like a horse’s mane.

And speaking of pubic hair… there’s been much debate over why we have it. Science suggests pubic hair, like underarm hair, is for trapping pheromones. Pheromones, which appear to play a role in sexual attraction, are released by the body and blend with bacteria decomposed by secretions from your sebaceous glands. Each person produces their own aroma, based on their MHC (major histocompatibility complex, which plays a role in immune response). This heady mix of odors can infuse your armpits and crotch, thus attracting a partner - at least in theory. In some cases, all that hair simply results in a funky stench. In that case, hit the showers.

I’m also curious about a hairy phenomenon I’ve witnessed along our Florida beaches. Why is it the hairier the man, the smaller the Speedo? Is it some unwritten bathing suit creed? If you’re going to sport a banana-hammock, at least have your significant other run a razor over your torso before you hit the sand. The public will thank you.

And finally, we must address the balding issue. I imagine men feel about balding the way women feel about cellulite: it’s one of the harsh realities of an aging body. Yes, some men come through unscathed, and they have their genetics to thank for it. But for many men, male pattern baldness is a fact of life. But here’s a bit of hope: bald is in! So shun the comb-over and reach for that razor. We gals prefer smooth skin over a hair flap any day.

Fortunately, men are now taking a more active role in body hair maintenance. The era of “manscaping” is upon us and in my opinion, is long overdue. For centuries, women have plucked, shaved, and waxed their way to baby smoothness. It’s about time you men joined in on the fun. So trim those orifices and wax that back and perhaps we’ll forgive you for leaving the toilet seat up.

 Happy New Year and I'll catch you next Friday!